Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All I want is dick and wine.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
