Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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