How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
