He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
