yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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