Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
