Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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