Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Porn is love you can see.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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