Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
