If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
