You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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