Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
