I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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