What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
