got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
