I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
