areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
