i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
