I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
