I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
