I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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