I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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