Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
