she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
