The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
