I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
