$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
