i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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