i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
