I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Let's paint friendship bongs
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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