i would punch a child for taco bell
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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