just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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