he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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