just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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