I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
