I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
