Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
