he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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