Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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