I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
