theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
