It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
