just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
