he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
