As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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