It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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