Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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