hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
