I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
