she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
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Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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