you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
