So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
