Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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