she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
