Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
