She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
