I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You ate ashes out of my bong
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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