I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
