There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
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just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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