Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
