And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
